Open Letter to the NMC

open letter to NMC freedom for independent midwives

I’ve mentioned this in passing in a few posts recently, finally I’m able to sit down and write a full post about the farcical treatment of independent midwives by their governing body, the Nursing and Midwifery Council (NMC). The backstory to this goes back years. In very brief summary, in 2014, it became mandatory for all health professionals to have indemnity insurance. Prior to this, independent midwives (IMs) were practicing without insurance. Clients would simply sign a declaration stating that they understood this, myself and the husbeast signed such a document when we hired our IM in 2011.

This worked absolutely fine in the overwhelming majority of cases. For two main reasons; first, the client entered into this arrangement with full knowledge and acceptance of it. If it had been a deal-breaker for a client/couple, then they simply wouldn’t have hired the IM and would have sought midwifery services elsewhere, either through the NHS, or a private provider (note: independent and private midwives are very different. Private midwives are employed by a corporate/private maternity care provider. IMs are self employed, totally independent and traditionally free from corporate/insurance interests).

Second, it is generally recognised that IMs provide the gold standard of midwifery care, therefore adverse outcomes are extremely rare. In the exceptional circumstances where something did go wrong, AND the IM was found to be negligent, it was up to the client whether to pursue a legal case or not. With the relationship typically built up between woman and IM, it seems inconceivable that the woman would decide to bankrupt the midwife. Of course, there are a couple of cases of this happening, but it is essential to look at the big picture and assess whether broad strokes that affect nearly 100 midwives and the many thousands of women that they care for are proportionate to the tiny number of cases where lack of insurance was a serious problem.

The reason that IMs were practicing without insurance was that there wasn’t an insurance product available to them. Insurers, with no knowledge of birth or midwifery, considered it too high a (financial) risk.

In 2014, however, when IMs were left with no choice in the matter, they found a provider who was able to create a custom policy tailored to their practice. Any IM registered with IMUK was covered by this insurance. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, until late last year, when the NMC suddenly decided that the insurance they had in place was not adequate. To date, they have refused to explain in what way it is inadequate, or what additional coverage would make it adequate. There have been muddled statements about there not being enough money in the pot to make a single large payout. However, it is my understanding that this isn’t true, and that if a claim were successfully made against an IM, there would, in fact be adequate funds available by the time the payout was expected to be made.

The NMC refuse to accept this and simply forced all IMs to sign a contract, under duress, stating that they would no longer attend births. The lack of warning left hundreds of women without their midwife for their births. Apparently, the NMC found this acceptable.

Birthrights and other organisations have been working tirelessly on this issue. Below is an open letter, written by Birthplace Matters founders, Paula, Jeannette, and Anna. The complete document and correspondence history can be found here. Please feel free to share widely. Tweet the NMC @nmcnews and #savethemidwife and make your voice heard. IMs and birthing women need our support.

Open reply to the NMC from Birthplace Matters – March 2017

Dear Catherine Evans and Emma Broadbent,

Thank you for your response to our letter. It is clear that your goal is to focus on compensating mothers after the event of their birth. We wish to explore this in broader terms and discuss what really matters to the many mothers we hear from at Birthplace Matters.

It strikes us that when a woman is hiring an independent midwife, it is often done as an act of insurance, to protect herself and her baby from damage which she does not want to repeat from an earlier birth. Sadly, the damage we hear about is occurring far too often as a result of ‘routine’ or commonplace procedures which are happening every single day up and down the country.

As such, far from being a luxury lifestyle choice for a wealthy and privileged elite, a woman’s decision to hire an independent midwife is much more often an act of desperation following anxiety attacks, symptoms of PTSD, and feelings of anger and sadness following an experience of giving birth under NHS care. Often, they just want to avoid the same ‘routine’ procedures and treatment again.

Your statement that women still have the option of choosing non-IMUK midwives, fine though they may be, is not actually viable for some – since some women live too far from one for that to be a safe option for birth – especially for 2nd, 3rd, or 4th babies etc, who may come too quickly for a midwife to drive 3 hours to her. In such cases women are left facing the option of going back under NHS care, choosing to birth alone with no midwives, or, as we have been hearing more and more recently, actually choosing not to have any more children. All three of these options are unacceptable when taken as acts of desperation. Do you see now what peril women are in because of this insurance fiasco?

Without exaggeration, some stories we have heard by women describe their birth in the language that rape victims use about the violation of their bodies by strangers. Some are triggered for weeks, months and even years afterwards, often suffering silently. Even if a birth appears on paper to have been a success, with no legal category for suing a hospital, it doesn’t always mean that a woman walked away from her birth experience unscarred. There are invisible wounds which cannot be accounted for in a tick-box on an insurance claim form. Some feel too beaten down to fight anyway.

We are hearing frequently from women who say they were ignored, laughed at and even abused by NHS staff – ironically, your actions in preventing IMs from practising is pushing some women to have to go back to the same place and potentially go through the same traumas all over again.

When we allow insurance companies, governments, and lawyers to determine the T&C’s of birth, it can be interpreted as a carte-blanche to behave appallingly, in the arrogant guise of rescuing women and protecting babies by a highly interventionist approach. The onus on deciding what is safe is therefore shifted away from the mother, where it rightfully belongs, and is assumed by her care team. When a woman is not trusted to make informed decisions, but is instead bullied, this undermines/violates her rights over her own body and her own baby.

This is why so many women seek out an independent midwife – because the word independent means just that – they know full well that whilst their midwife is insured for what is to most mothers, a reasonable and reassuring sum, these midwives are not entirely in the pocket of insurance companies so are not motivated primarily to satisfy insurance company tick boxes over and above the wishes of the mother. They often avoid the same knee-jerk interventionism that is offered within NHS settings, providing instead truly 1:1 watchful, continuous care with the time and space to be with-woman in the way that midwives in hospitals cannot due to restraints outside of their own control. Without wishing to offend individual midwives within the NHS who offer sterling care, we feel that this continuity actually makes independent midwifery a much safer model.

Even the very best NHS midwives will sometimes admit they are just too busy to truly give the full care and attention they would wish they could give to women, knowing that CTG monitors are a poor substitute for 1:1 care and have not been shown to have saved even one life. Even in those places where the NHS aspires to offer truly holistic care, it is not always consistently available for all women coming through the doors. When women are lucky enough to receive truly individualised and holistic care it is more often than not at a personal cost to a midwife’s career progression.

There are so many good NHS midwives working within the system who are being disciplined and over-ruled to satisfy bosses who are thinking of insurance and malpractice tick-boxes first and foremost. Many are leaving the system altogether due to stress and burnout in their attempt to balance gold standard care with restrictions from on high. As well as working within ever more restrictive insurance company T&C’s, it must also be said that the over-riding of mothers’ wishes within the NHS is done in a spirit of old-fashioned paternalism which is very tiring for women to have to put up with in 2017 after all the gains we have made to improve women’s rights elsewhere.

In the light of what we have discussed above, we at Birthplace Matters feel that the NMC’s definition of what it means to protect women and their babies needs to be re-evaluated. In 2017, it ought to mean so much more than a woman’s ability to claim financial reimbursement in the event of lifechanging birth complications – since no insurance company should have a monopoly on defining what those complications are. Clearly, many women are left scarred by their birth experiences in ways that are invisible, but are very real and life-changing for themselves and their babies in ways that affect whole families. Offering a wildly inflated sum like £10m is meaningless to a mother who has to drive a 10 mile detour so she doesn’t have to go past a hospital where she gave birth and who does not want to relive the trauma all over again by pursuing a legal case – especially if the hospital closes ranks and proposes what constitutes harm by their own definition only, ignoring or belittling her complaints.

The insurance cartel that is taking over birth practice is turning this very natural process into an increasingly clinical event with unhappy consequences for many mothers and babies. If such insurance-dominated practice was translating into safer and more satisfying birth it would make sense – yet the opposite seems to be true, judging by the soaring rate of inductions and other interventions which drive up the cesarean rate.

We ask that you pay attention to the voices in the #savethemidwife campaign and recognise the ridiculousness of telling independent midwives they are not insured for enough without stating what ‘enough’ is, leaving them and their clients in a state of confusion and despair. Why not let mothers decide on what level of insurance they want to choose rather than letting the insurance companies dictate whether a woman can afford an independent midwife, or not? Independent should mean just that – forcing them to fall in line with the NHS suggests you do not appreciate the difference between the two uniquely different models. They should remain separate as they have been to date, and women should rightfully be at the helm in choosing what they need.

Yours in frustration,

Paula, Jeanette and Anna – The Birthplace Matters Team

2017 So Far…

This is just a super quick post to update my fabulous readers! This year has been amazing so far and I wanted to let you know that although I haven’t posted much yet, there is soooo much coming!

2017-goals-and-planning

Bullet Journal

The big thing is that I started bullet journaling. There is going to be an epic post on this coming up very soon, so stay tuned (or hit the “follow” button!). If you don’t know what this is, very briefly, it is a planning system that turns a simple notebook into a diary, planner and journal. The key component is that you place an index at the front of the notebook, number your pages, and list everything you put in there in the index so you can find it again later. You keep to-do lists, plan for the future and track whatever you like in the book. I highly recommend you check out the Bullet Journal website and watch the intro video by Ryder Carroll, the guy who first created the concept. Then head to Pinterest and search for “bujo”….

So that’s been taking up a great deal of my attention for the last month.

Kids, Birthdays & Birth

I’ve been running creative writing workshops for local home educated kids, which I am LOVING so much and am figuring out ways to do more of that.

img_2841-2It’s been a very Minecraft-focused period for the Munchkin and the Bean, they are obsessed and learning so much. I am bowled over constantly by how creative they are becoming. The Bean also turned 5 a couple of weeks ago! How crazy is that?! Of course, he had to have a Minecraft cake, and I confirmed, yet again, that cake decorating does not come naturally to me!

I did a lot of reflecting on his birth around his birthday this year, it being the fifth anniversary of an event that completely changed my life in so many ways. You can check out my post about his incredible birth here, and the contract I used to get the lotus-caesarean here.

Coming up, I am going to be blogging about what’s going on in the midwifery world right now, with bizarre and potentially discriminatory action by the NMC.

Living Life On Purpose

A few weeks ago, I decided to set myself a couple of challenges. One is a 30 days of yoga challenge, which I am actually sticking to and loving! The other, is to stop yelling at my kids. I’m not the perfect unconditional/gentle parent, I admit that and when tensions run high, I resort to yelling. I became really aware of how frequently I raised my voice and have made a conscious effort to stop, cold turkey. No yelling at all. I have messed up twice. I’ll post a more detailed account of that, the reasons for it and how I’m handling it.

intentional

The first page of my bullet journal

My main focus for 2017 is to live more intentionally. I’m aiming to be productive and present in the moment, not letting my time disappear with no real recollection of what I’ve been doing, which is all too easy to do as a busy mum at home with two crazy kids. The no yelling is part of that, as is the bullet journalling. But the most significant thing is the de-cluttering. I signed up to a course late last year and got all inspired. Hubby and I did a massive purge in December and took two carloads of stuff to a charity shop. But we have loads more to do, so I’ll be posting updates on that as we progress. There might even be “before” and “after” photos!

That’s all for now, folks.

TTFN

3 Top Tips for a Chilled Out Winter with A New Baby!

90338.jpgThis time five years ago, I was heavily pregnant with the Bean – wait, what? Was that really five whole years ago? Where has the time gone?! Three years before that, hubby and I moved 220 miles when I was 26 weeks pregnant. I really don’t recommend doing that! It’s been a few years since I had a tiny baby, but I remember it pretty clearly and have definitely learned a lot since then. You find that parenting is rather like being on a swing. It takes a bit of effort to get going and coordinated, but once you’re in the swing of it, you forget the effort it took and it becomes second nature. I hope that some of these tips from a wise old bird will help a few new parents this winter.

1Layer up! Obvious really, but this is my number one top tip. I didn’t really get it the first time around. I kept wearing the types of clothes I had worn pre-baby and was forever the wrong temperature! Nursing burns serious calories (so go ahead and let yourself have a slice of that home made cake at baby group), and in your hormonal post-partum state, you may get hot flushes. You’ll want to wrap up against the cold, but then when you arrive at your destination, be prepared to shed layers to be comfortable.

Same goes for baby, by the way! Several layers is better than one thick snowsuit, especially if baby is going to be in a car seat or be worn in a carrier (more on that in a mo). It’s super important not to put baby in anything too thick when they are in their five-point harness car seat, as if the worst should happen and you are in a collision, that padding can prevent the straps being tight enough to keep baby safely in their car seat.

When the Bean was little, I spent the extra cash on some nursing tops, rather than making do with what I had. I highly recommend Boob for fantastic tops for this time in your life. I still wear my hooded jumper from time to time. You can add layers safe in the knowledge that you can easily get to your breast to feed baby, without the discomfort of bunching up excess fabric or getting a chill from having your side/belly/chest uncovered.

Invest2 in a good carrier…. or six! I know not all parents will agree on this one, and each to their own, but I find a pram or buggy totally impractical in winter. I’ve never figured out how the parent holds an umbrella while pushing a pram, and the thought of slipping on ice and a pram rolling away down the steep hill that we live on is unthinkable! The Munchkin was in a pram a fair bit when he was little, but it was spring-summer and I hadn’t yet really discovered babywearing properly. We did have a sling, but I didn’t get on with it. It took me a while to get to a sling library and find a better carrier. He was ten months before we ditched the pram and started wearing him exclusively.12043191_1060903917277302_6469733779818377733_n

The Bean has only ever been in a buggy when we were on holiday in Florida and it was too hot to wear him. At home, I’ve never felt the need to use one with him. I got seriously into babywearing after he was born, and invested in several fantastic wraps, a ring sling, and a gorgeous custom made, Dr Seuss-themed, half-buckle mei tai by Madame GooGoo! I was wearing this in London one day, when a woman approached me from behind and told me she had seen pictures of my carrier online (sling makers often share photos of their finished products before shipping them) and long been an admirer of it, she was so surprised to see it in person. The sling world is like that, very friendly and approachable. Carriers also retain their value quite well, so can be sold on when they are no longer in use. I had to sell this carrier on last year. I often wonder where it is now and if it is still getting lots of use.

Babywearing in winter is a great way to keep each other warm and safe. Light layers, as mentioned above, are best, to avoid over-heating. I absolutely loved putting my babies in leg warmers, as in the picture above, a great compliment to babywearing and cloth nappies.

Most high street carriers are unsuitable for babywearing safely. They don’t allow for parents to follow the “TICKS” guidelines, and forward facing positions place stress on the wrong parts of a baby; chiefly their spine and crotch (these are jokingly referred to as “crotch-danglers” in the babywearing community). So, if you are going to wear your baby, make sure that your carrier enables you to wear baby in the correct position (Tight against your body, In sight at all times, Close enough to kiss, Keep the chin off the chest, and Supported back – upright, facing you,. These are the T.I.C.K.S.). Back carries are great when babies get a bit older, but newborns are best worn on the front so that the TICKS can be observed.

There is a wealth of detailed information out there for those wanting to wear their babies, so I urge you to take a good look around the net, find a local sling library, and get support. There are loads of groups on Facebook dedicated to this!

3Don’t over-do things! If you are just about to have a baby, or have recently given birth, for goodness sake, don’t try to take on too much this festive season! It’s not worth it. Take it easy. Nest, or snuggle into your “babymoon” and enjoy your new baby. Get help in for Christmas, from family or friends. Don’t feel you have to cook a huge feast for all of your extended family. Traditions are great, but they can wait until next year if they involve a lot of effort. Let yourself have this pause from the hectic hustle and bustle of the season, your body will thank you. Stock up the freezer with easy-to-heat meals; get shopping delivered instead of traipsing around a supermarket with a baby; say no to the invitations that you know you need to skip this year; keep it simple. I had the Bean at the end of January, so Christmas 5 years ago was a fairly low-key affair. I was waddling everywhere and unable to sleep comfortably due to my huge bump.

Nursing a newborn means resting and nourishing your body, rushing about trying to fit in too much won’t do either of you any good. If you have commitments that can’t be skipped or delegated, then find ways to manage them. You might have a school run to do with an older child, or a relative to care for. Of course you need to do these things, but try to have realistic expectations of yourself.

I hope some of this is helpful. If you have any more tips for the season, do please share them in the comments below. I love to hear from readers!

 

While You Were Away…

parenting-word cloudAs some people may have gathered from my last post, something’s stirring over here at Spirited Mama!

I am indeed, still alive and still as spirited as ever. I decided that it was time to dust off this blog and breathe some life back into it. My life moved away from blogging for a while, I didn’t feel I had much to say and was focused on writing my fiction. But my mama bear is stirring and has things to say again.

It’s funny how life is this constantly shifting current, taking us from one place to another, often seemingly without us controlling it at all. There is definitely an ebb and flow to energy and that changes the course of our lives.

beach1So what happened while I was away? The Munchkin is now 6 years old and the Bean is 3. How did that happen? I’m also now a single mum. Both kids spent some time at a Montessori nursery, but are now both at home full time, so you can expect to see lots of posts about home education and parenting in general. I’m still nursing the Bean, and am a vocal advocate of full term breastfeeding, so that might come up from time to time too. I don’t have as much to do with supporting women and families with their births, but still admin a VBAC support group online and keep half an eye on the state of birth in the UK, so if something catches my eye I’ll probably mention it here. I want this blog to continue to be a resource for those with birth choices to make, even if that isn’t my primary focus these days.

Aside from parenting, what else has happened in the last few years? I’ve published two novels and a short story in the Echoes of the Past series, with novel number three due out this summer. I’m currently running a crowdfunder to raise funds for my publishing costs, so if anyone would like to contribute and help out this single mama trying to earn a living from her passion, then do please hop over to my Pubslush page and chip in what you can. But this blog isn’t about my books really, so I won’t be bombarding you with promos and the like, don’t worry. You might see a few book reviews of kids’ books though!

I’ve also really embraced Twitter, hence the title for this post. It’s become my favourite social media platform in many ways. It’s not great for holding conversations, but I love it for connecting with other people and keeping up with their news. Sometimes it is like shouting into a crowded room though, so I try to engage with people to make it meaningful to be there. Follow me via the link below!

I think that’s all from me for now. Check out my social media links below and hit the “follow” button to keep up to date with new posts here. I’m really looking forward to jumping back in to this crazy world of #pblogging with you all!

Facebook

Twitter

Goodreads

In Support of Invisible Midwives Everywhere

Today is International Day of the Midwife. A day to honour all of the midwives who have been a part of all of our lives, after all, even those people without children of their own were born themselves once and chances are, a midwife attended their birth.

Midwives are there for women and their families on one of the most important days of their lives. Midwives nurture women in their care, guide them emotionally and physically through pregnancy, birth and early parenthood. Midwives save lives and witness daily the amazing entry into the world of new little people, quietly, confidently and with compassion. Midwives know when to sit back and be invisible, trusting women to birth their own babies and only coming to assist if the need arises.

Or at least they should.

Unfortunately the systems that midwives have to work within don’t allow them to do their job properly. They are forced to place time limits on the women in their care, to intervene unnecessarily on a regular basis and to persuade women to birth in big obstetric units if their employer is under the false impression that these units will prevent law suits from happening. The fact is that home is the safest place for women to give birth, it is also the cheapest place. Continuity of care from a trusted midwife also results in better and safer births. It’s utter madness that the system doesn’t grab hold of these facts and embrace genuine with-woman midwifery.

All over the world, women and midwives face persecution and legal action against them if they dare to step outside of that system. Agnes Gereb, Hungarian midwife and obstetrician, is currently under house arrest for attending women birthing out of hospital. Even here in the UK, NHS midwives who work with women at the centre of their care face the possibility of harassment in the workplace from their colleagues. AIMS has a Midwife Defence Fund that people can donate to, this fund helps secure legal representation and cover other costs to assist midwives facing persecution. You can donate here: http://aims.org.uk/MDF/

Independent midwifery is scheduled to become illegal as of October 2013, due to red tape. The EU has declared that IMs must have indemnity insurance, but no provider on the market is willing to insure midwives working outside the system. Therefore, by default, midwives will no longer be legally able to practice independently.

IMUK has been tirelessly searching for a solution, but there is no option available that will allow them to continue to provide care during birth for women who are anything other than “low risk”, that is, “risk” as defined by an extremely conservative legal team in charge of defining NHS protocols, which is not always the same as genuine medical risk. Even if it were, women should still have the right to choose their care provider and place of birth.

If I am ever to have another baby, I would not be able to be cared for by a skilled and experienced midwife of my choice in my own home, as I have had two previous caesareans and am therefore “high risk”. The actual risks of a home birth in my situation are tiny and I should be free to choose to birth there with a midwife of my choice. The changes in the law mean that I am extremely unlikely to ever have a third baby and if I do, I would be forced to choose between the luck of the draw NHS service, who treated myself and my husband so appallingly three years ago, or to not have a midwife present at my birth at all. Basically, I don’t want another baby at all if I can’t have the same amazing midwife that I had for the Bean’s birth.

So today, on International Day of the Midwife, I’d like to shout out my support to independent, with-woman and invisible midwives everywhere who are striving to care for women and their families despite great personal risk. You are all superstars.

Rebirth: A Second Chance

Rebirth. “A new or second birth”. A chance to start again, a chance to make new memories that heal the old ones. In terms of healing birth trauma a rebirthing might consist of re-enacting the birth in the way previously imagined or it might be a spontaneous and instinctive moment shared between mother and baby in the bath or in bed in the middle of the night.

After the Munchkin’s birth, someone suggested I try a rebirthing in order to heal emotionally from the trauma I experienced. But he was already about three months old, I wasn’t ready to let go yet and wouldn’t be for over two years, and the more time passed the less like a newborn he was and it just felt wrong to try. The very thought of getting my birth pool back out again made me burst into tears. So we never did it. I had to find healing from his birth the long, hard way and we’re finally there after some intensive therapy and an empowering second birth.

That second birth, however, was not the experience I longed for. Though it wasn’t traumatic in any way, it left me grieving. Within days of the Bean’s birth I knew I wanted to try a rebirthing. I needed to physically recover from the caesarean though and I needed to prepare in practical terms. I thought I wanted my midwife and doula to be there and was considering having the Munchkin there too, though at other times I felt I didn’t want him there. Getting everyone together at the same time looked unlikely when my doula gave birth to her own baby a few weeks after the Bean was born.

As the days turned into weeks I started to feel a bit desperate. My little newborn was rapidly developing into a strong baby and I was afraid it would get too late. So I decided to grab the opportunity as soon as the Munchkin was staying at my parents’ house for the night. Finally that moment came, 8 weeks after the Bean’s original birth.

Today, after an absolutely beautiful day out with friends to celebrate the Munchkin’s third birthday, he went home with my mum and hubby and I made our preparations. We inflated and filled the pool, lit candles and put on my birth music. I got into the pool and listened to the song that had been one of my hypnosis triggers that I used during pregnancy and labour, Chimes, a song by an unsigned band called Glow. I thought about being pregnant, remembered my blessingway and the hope and anticipation I had felt about my forthcoming birth. These memories touched some raw emotions for me and I began to cry silently.
I changed the music to the song I had wanted playing as my baby was born. I had played it on repeat for a long time during my actual labour when it seemed I would be holding my baby imminently: Firework by Katy Perry. Cheesy? Maybe, but when I first heard it I felt it was the perfect song to accompany birth. What a strong message of the power and awesomeness of a birthing woman.

Hubby got into the pool with the Bean and passed him to me under my arm and through the water. I brought him straight to my chest and held him, I told him how much I love him and explained that this was how I had wanted to meet him. The tears flowed with overwhelming sadness and joy and hubby snapped away with the camera to capture the moment.

The Bean was calm and alert, looking carefully at me and around at the strange surroundings. We spent a few minutes in the pool and then moved to the sofa, wrapped up warm, where I fed him and hubby brought me some food. It was the post-birth chill that we should have shared but were denied by the circumstances of the Bean’s original birth.

This rebirth doesn’t undo that birth, nor would I want it to. His birth was truly awesome, in so many ways, but it wasn’t joyful. Now I have new memories, the memories I had hoped to create and that does undo some of the emotional damage of his birth.

But it’s late now, so I’m signing off to go and curl up in bed with my baby.

A Healing Birth Can Still Hurt

It’s a secret no one will tell you. My dear friend, and fellow blogger, Chloe, wrote about this recently. For those of us who have had traumatic births, we sometimes place a lot of hope on a subsequent birth, it becomes a lifeline out of the pit of that trauma. So what happens when that lifeline snaps? What happens when you don’t get the amazing birth you were planning? What happens when, like me, you get a birth that is far removed from the one you wanted but one that was not traumatic, in which you were completely respected and had your contingency plans followed to the letter?

My recent birth genuinely was healing and empowering. It was a positive experience, by and large. I was incredibly well supported, I was respected and listened to. I had all of my wishes listened to and accommodated where at all possible. I came out of it feeling elated that I had done something so rare and thrilled that people were talking about it. It might make a very real and positive difference for other women. My relationship with the Munchkin has improved massively. I can say with absolute sincerity, finally, that I gave birth to him. For years I could not say that, he was surgically removed from me, my caesarean wasn’t the same as giving birth. Now I feel differently and because the Bean’s birth followed such a similar pattern to the Munchkin’s, I can also speculate now that no amount of support would have resulted in a vaginal birth with him either. For years I was carrying this heavy weight around my neck: what if we had just done x, y or z? Well this time we did do x, y and z and it still didn’t result in a normal birth.

But there is a dark side to that realisation. For the first few weeks after the Bean’s birth I felt lighter. I felt relieved. But as time passed I realised the consequence… if nothing I could have done would have made any difference then why did my births both end in caesareans? If it was nothing to do with the support that I had, nothing to do with my antenatal preparation, nothing to do with the external conditions of my labour, then what is wrong with me? Because that is where my mind wanders, towards a reason. I’m not the sort of person who can just accept that “these things just happen”. Maybe once they do, but twice? Twice the same thing happened to me and my babies. To me that means something. To me that means that there is some sort of problem with me.

That’s a dark place to be. No matter how much those around me bent over backwards to make my birth as positive as it could be, no matter how close my bonds are with my children, I am still left aching emotionally. I am grieving for the birth I did not get. Again.

I know there will be people who think, and indeed, say, that I should shut up and be grateful that my babies are alive. I’ve heard it before, I’ve been told that I have “lost sight of what is really important” and to them I say: I matter. My mental health matters. My scarred uterus matters. My obstetric future matters. I don’t intend on having any more children, two has long been my theoretical limit, so right now I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that I will never, ever have a vaginal birth of any kind, never mind the beautiful home birth of my dreams.

There are three little words that I have read dozens of times in VBAC birth stories, three little words that carry such depth of feeling that I don’t think many people could fail to be moved by them and I expected to be uttering them myself: “I did it”. I will never say those words and that hurts.

So to all those wonderful, Very Brave And Courageous women out there who didn’t get their VBAC, or whose births have not taken them on the journey that they expected or wanted: I love you, I am crying with you and it is OK to cry, to grieve.